If you can’t grow a real one (or even if you can) a plush moustache is the next best thing.

Pin a plushtache to your lapel to twiddle during conversational lulls. Keep one in your pocket for all day comfort. Sleep with a plushtache under your pillow and dream of hirsute companions. Wear one at school to show your friends how much you’ve matured. Plushtaches seem like a silly gimmick, but may raise some questions about gender performance.